No Unkind Words

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”

(Ephesians 4:29)

I have never heard her say an unkind thing about anyone.

The words were uttered in a casual conversation with a friend as she was describing another woman in her life. My heart warmed as I heard them. What a compliment.

Yet, a selfish sadness crept in as I gave a silent nod to my own longing to be described that way and knowing that I won’t be.

At least not by people I already know.

There will be times we lash out, spewing hurtful words born from an angry or hurt heart. There will be times we utter the ugly feelings we have within the safety of trusted and confidential small groups. Ideally, those groups help us work through those feelings and don’t simply validate them.

Certainly, today’s verse speaks to such situations, but Paul is addressing a much greater danger.

Careless words. Unthinking words.

The irony that I am writing this today, when my husband and I have not yet successfully had a conversation without it ending poorly, is not lost on me. I stand at one of those intersections of faith and life where the words I speak will reflect whether or not I choose to live holy or live in the way of the world.

Most of our words are spoken in casual, mundane, and seemingly innocent conversation between spouses, friends, parents, and children. These are the relationships where we often speak before thinking. These relationships are also where we are the most vulnerable and where words wield the most power to be unkind. Even, especially, careless and unthinking words.

Words spoken under the guise of jest but are critical none-the-less. Words spoken in sarcasm. Words uttered off-the-cuff. Words born out of the fruit of frustration, irritation, or hormones.

Is there ever a time when we have permission to let our guard down with our words?

Paul says no by providing a standard against which we are to measure our words.

They must not be unwholesome, foul, or abusive. This does not only apply to our use of profanity. It applies to gossip, how we speak to and about our children, how we speak to and about our spouses, how we speak about our work places and hobbies, and what we post on social media. It applies to sarcasm, snarky comments, zingers, and how we cheer in the stands of our favorite team.

Paul instructs that our words be good and helpful in building others up. This does not mean that the total sum of our conversations is sunshine and roses. Not at all. When difficult conversations are called for, and they will be, it is even more important that we employ this instruction. Those hard words must be shared in a manner that is kind and with the purpose of building up, correcting in love, gently admonishing, not simply tearing down.

Our conversations must benefit those who hear. Pause on this thought. Far more people hear what we are saying than we realize. People who don’t know our life context from which we are speaking. People who don’t “get” our humor. People who will hear what we say through their own life circumstances. People like the lady who cleans my house and most likely overheard the less than kind exchange. Ouch.

Is our conversation something that will encourage and benefit all who hear? Does it bear witness to a heart in love with Jesus?

Instead of being women known for a great comeback, sarcastic humor, or a razor-sharp tongue, let’s be startling and say:

You know, what I want to say right now is not true, is not kind, will not build up, and is most definitely not necessary. I decline to be a part of this conversation until my heart is right and my words comply with how I know I am supposed to speak.

It is exhausting to test every word against this instruction before I speak it. I fail often (as in today, yesterday and probably the day before) and unkind words slip out. It is far easier to follow the way of the world and let those words fly. I hold out hope that days like today become fewer and farther between as I lean ever more into choosing to live holy.

I hold out hope that we all become known for never saying an unkind thing.

#LivingHoly  #lifegivingwords